He was on a field trip today and so I had to do my hallwalking alone.

I still got wierd looks. Sly looks. Little smirks...

Why does everyone have to care so much? Ugh. One of my goals this year was to not get sucked into people's gossip. And I get sucked into it anyway.

I wish we could be together and have things just be normal. Damn. Why do I always have to fall for older boys and catch everyone's attention?

Today, while I was out walking my dog, I saw the creepy old guy checking his mail.

"Hehe, no mail for me today!"
"Uh...yeah."
"You've got a pretty dog...and a very pretty smile."

I felt my cuntpower beginning to kick in, but I decided since he was old and didn't have that much to live for anymore I'd just walk by and make faces when he couldn't see mine.

This Ain't No Secret No More!

I hate how me and my man (who I got back together with a couple days after breaking up with) can't walk down the hall together without being oggled and, later, questioned. God, we don't even act couple-y. Our hands are kept too ourselves.

I decline the accusations that we're dating.

But despite our efforts, people are figuring this out.

I think me and him need to just bring this out into the open, because everyone's speculating that something is up. Speculating something that is true is as good as knowing.

And they're so curious because we never seemed like we'd be together. He's a junior, I'm a freshman. He's the ex-student body president that everyone knows by name, I'm the one that people know as the short chick who walks the halls with her headphones in. We hardly ever used to talk in front of people. But now...now we're together all the time.

Me and him need to sit down and have a talk.

Things That Make Me Happy

Damn, first off this keyboard is really fucking loud. Ow.

Second, I decided that today we should have a change of pace. So I'm going to show you a list of things (both cliche and quirky) that make me feel real good inside.

1. When I'm on the schoolbus in the morning, and another bus drives by (most often when we're on 3rd avenue) and the bus drivers wave to each other (although mine salutes). It's cool because it's this network of bus-driver friends! Plus my driver is young, hip, and gangsterrr. Apparently metro bus drivers do this, too. I'll have to keep my eyes peeled.

2. People who sing along to their music in their cars. Oh, man. First off, I appreciate bad traffic, unless I'm in a hurry to get somewhere. Why? Because I get to listen to my music for a longer period of time. But then I look over, and there's someone rocking out, and it's like I've found my soul mate. It always makes me smile really big. Then they see me grinning at them and they get kind of creeped out.

3. Orgasms. Enough said.

4. My job, Team Read. Maybe it's because I have the most awesome student ever, or maybe it's because I feel like I'm doing something woth-while in the community (is tutoring 2nd and 3rd graders in reading not a good thing for the community?), but I always go in there and feel good. Monday and Wednesday afternoons for an hour and a half I get to forget about everything and read children's books with my kick-ass student, KoKo.

5. Strip Squad! Oh lordy, the best Swedish pop band out there. They're my Swedish Band Friends, and we trade packages and email a lot. They've made the best morning record ever. Their songs are pervy as fuck and a joy to listen and dance to. Check them out! You cannot deny a band who has lyrics like "When he masturbates / He thinks of pretty things / Like the arch of your eyebrow, your almond shaped eye / The way you looked when you said goodbye." Plus, they pronounce 'fuckable' like 'fuck-yuh-bull.' Google time!

6. Polaroids. My heart just fills with joy when I take them.

7. Songwriting. This is my life, my pride, my biggest joy. I can't even begin to describe how this really makes me feel...some songs come together really quick, and are like the sweet little children you always hoped for. Others are like those bitchy kids you never hope you have, the ones that sneak out and do drugs and get drunk and have sex all the time...before they're even in high school (they do exist). But once they're done, once they've fully come together and have come out of that crazy period of confusion, they're always the best and the funnest to play. As long as there is a heart beating in this chest, there will be songs coming from this mind and these fingers. Songs: http://www.myspace.com/sarahrog

8. The phrase "Holy toledo!"

9. Musicals. Once I get through the phase of wanting to kill myself whenever they sing and ruin something, I settle into the fact that it's pretty damn hilarious. Heh, Steven got recruited to play bass in the school musical this year...I am so going and hoping to god that he has to wear a stupid costume.10. My male alter-ego, Gangsta Elf. He's pretty chill.

11. the Beavis and Butthead Experience soundtrack that I bought at Value Village.

12. Babies!

13. Devendra Banhart. I went through a phase where I thought I was going to marry him. Now I just think that we'll totally be best friends. We so could be.

14. The hella gangstarrr kids at my school. Not the white trash ones, but the hella gangstarrr ones. You know who I'm talking about. They like to walk down the hall rapping all by themselves and they dress all stupid and stuff. Shit! They just make me laugh so much that it's impossible not to feel good!

15. Life, half of the time. it can just be so fucking beautiful.

Today I browsed the Lomography camera site. And now I can't stop. These cameras are making me fall all over myself! I'm sitting around imagining the shots I'll take...at school, in Hawaii, at camp, with friends, of strangers, on the bus...L;ASDFHDASKLFNC;L

Here are the ones that I've liked most:

http://shop.lomography.com/supersampler/

http://shop.lomography.com/seagull/ (among one of the expensive ones that I can't even dream of asking for for Christmas or my birthday)

http://shop.lomography.com/holga/ (this is the one I really, really want and DO have a chance at getting)

http://shop.lomography.com/frogeye/ (Hawaii, here I come?)

http://shop.lomography.com/oktomat/

http://shop.lomography.com/pinhole/ (even though I could totally make one of these...but this is just to show you)

http://shop.lomography.com/splitcam/

http://shop.lomography.com/shop/index_shop.php?pro=box&submit2=Go (this, of course, is the one I want the most...almost all of the listed above, and more, but it's $650.00. Sad! Maybe I can ask anyway...)

I WANT TO TAKE SOME GOD DAMN PHOTOGRAPHS!

Yeah, I'm heading out with my polaroid now *grin*

I went to a concert last night and took polaroids of Central Services and Say Hi To Your Mom. There was a chick there with bad hair who gave me dirty looks when I used my flash.
I griped about bassists and bad kissers and people who had bad music taste and laughed about boners and how they're even funnier when you're sitting on one.

That was my way of missing you and being ashamed of it.

Today I couldn't look at him without crying. I felt like dying the whole day. Lunch was the worst. I cried twice, and at the end of it I couldn't stop. I spent 5th period in the library, crying my eyes out in a corner (I didn't skip. My teacher had given me a pass. He is very understanding) and then reading sections of The Once and Future King for comfort. I didn't eat the whole day, because I wasn't hungry and I also felt a little sick.

I just got back from Luna's. I finally ate and we watched American Beauty. God. That film is so fucking beautiful.

I miss him so much. I want him back so bad. How much longer does this have to last?

I did it. He's gone. Out of my life. Forever?

And no, I couldn't do it without crying. I cried for a million years and played my guitar, and sang songs that happened to have been written about him.

"The waves were crashing / The trees all a-shake / Like my heart, like my hands, the way we both knew it would break / On some strange, cold February day / The day our thoughts came too late.It was cold on the beach / It was warm in you / I'll try to forget, but that'll never do / We both lost our heads in a search for a heart / That's the one thing that could make us part.

And you asked me, "Who gives a damn about the past anyway?" / And I said "My memory." / And you asked me "Can't you forget?" / But the answer is, truthfully, no.

And maybe one day I'll stop thinking too much / That day was simply a prominent grain of sand on the beaches of time / One that if I put away, and forgot to lock the hiding place / The waves of time could easily pull away.

And when I'm standing on the platform, being pulled from the day / The last thing I'll do is call out your name / And in my ever eternal night / I'll come to remind you of the painful truth / You won't ever really forget / The one thing that could force us apart."

I wrote that after he kissed me that day back in February, when everything started happening, but he said we couldn't be together, but let's be friends, forget anything happened. But it would be that day, that one first kiss that would force us apart in the end. And yet, almost exactly a month later, we're together. Ten days after that, things got shredded.



And tonight he said over and over and over how much he was sorry.
And he said over and over and over how much he regretted using me as his venting target.
And he said over and over and over how I could always come back, he'd be right there.
Over and over and over about how he'd miss me.
And I told him, over and over, that I would not change my mind.

And according to him right now all he needs a reset button or the second chance of a lifetime.

I feel sick, I feel dead, I feel like all I need is to be with him. But I can't, I won't, no, no, no. I must suppress, I must move on, I must forget...

But I feel like like dying now, with this big, empty space in my life that used to be filled with something so important to me.


It's right about now that it'd be ideal for that devastating earthquake to strike.

Holy SHIT.

Jesus FUCK.

Apparently I havn't been the only girl he's done shit like this to. Oh hell, no. I almost had it good.Last year he went out with a few girls. He cheated on one of them, and then when he had a different girlfriend tried to cheat on her with the girl he'd cheated on. Add that to the fact that he'd also manipulated them, told them untrue stupid shit, etc. and you've got yourself a bad, bad man. He's been like this ever since my senior-friend, Luna, knew him as a freshman (although he's probably been like this all of his life).

I want to beat his ass.

I also am going to make it a priority to protect other girls from him, like the girl I saw him with all day today. I can tell he's up to his act with her, and I can tell she's interested. As soon as I find out who she is, she's getting a talking to. And if she doesn't believe me, and gets hurt like all the others, well, her fault.

Tommorow, I'm letting him have it.

We talked again last night. Here is the part that I loved and hated the most:

Steven (11:42:45 PM): OK, you want to know my deal?
Steven (11:42:52 PM): I think I've got it figured out.
Me (11:42:58 PM): Shoot.
Steven (11:44:27 PM): I know for a fact that I am incredibly, irresitably attracted to you, but just the fact that you're three years my junior is really killing me inside. I want you to be with me, but I feel like it's a sin and that I'll be banished to hell if we're ever found out.
Steven (11:44:39 PM): That's when I said, hey, no one has to know.
Steven (11:44:50 PM): Then my mom nearly walked in on us.
Steven (11:45:13 PM): And I felt like it was so dangerous... I... Do you understand?
Me (11:45:22 PM): Yes.
Steven (11:45:45 PM): That's about as good as I can explain it.
Me (11:46:02 PM): Can you explain "dangerous" a bit more?
Steven (11:46:21 PM): I turn 18 in ten months.
Steven (11:46:36 PM): When I turn 18, it's illegal for me to court a minor.
Steven (11:46:41 PM): I can be sent to jail.
Steven (11:47:14 PM): And not juvinile hall, but pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
Steven (11:47:39 PM): juvenile**
Me (11:47:45 PM): And so are you afraid that I'll still be around in ten months?
Steven (11:47:56 PM): Yes.
Steven (11:48:07 PM): But the problem is, I want you to be around in ten months.

Today I got an email from my sister, who has been around the block a couple of times with this type of guy. She pretty much said I'd be stupid to go back, that I deserved way better, and that only weak girls go back to men who disrespect them, especially for a third try. And it's because they go back that men disrespect women. And, considering my stance on women's rights (another thing I havn't talked about here, but I command you to go out and read the book Cunt RIGHT NOW), I couldn't stay. Not if it meant that men would continue to disrespect women.

And then it really clicked. I DID deserve better, I COULD GET better. Way better. Why the fuck am I waiting around for this guy to change? He won't. I feel dumb for not really realizing this before, or ignoring it when I did, but now I know what I have to do.

I have to really leave and never go back.

I have to cut off contact.

No being friends with him, because you know where that will lead? Back to where I am now.
And you know what? It's totally true. I don't need someone who makes me constantly feel like shit, who manipulates me, who is who this guy is.

There are a few things that scare me though:

- He's already fucked up about a lot of things. What will he do? He already feels like the world will end, and what will my suddenly being gone do?
- School. I cannot avoid seeing him.
- How I feel, and how much this hurts.


But I'm going to do this. I have to. I have people who won't let me not do this. I have people who will never let me fall.


This is not a choice.

Someone needs to come and bludgeon me to death for being stupid and ignorant and not listening to anyone, not him, not myself, not my friends.
For thinking that I was to be the one to bring him out of the dark.
For thinking he would change for me.
For thinking too many things.
For going back to him after he fucked me over once.
Now he's done it again.

I have to choose wether or not to believe him about anything.
I have to choose wether or not this is the end.
But deep down inside of me I know that this isn't over.
And deep down inside of me I know that it wasn't all lies.

I know that I'm totally stuck. I am also sick, very sick. Sick in my heart, sick in my head. I have been ever since the very beginning of this school year, despite friends, music, and photographs. I know that the root problem is my ability (or is it disability?) to love uncontrollably those I feel anything for. I have worked to carefully create ties this year that have been suddenly cut off (Harry, The Subject Of This Entry). Some of them only got halfway made (Bob, Minami, although they wern't quite 'cut off', but faded instead. Still sucks). Some I am still longing to make. All of them I want to fix.

I have said it many times before, I will say it many times again: I need to get out of here.

Unfortunatly, I still have a four year wait. I don't care if the college is crap, it'll be far away. That will be good enough.


Last night, after it all happened, I went into my room, put my stuff on my bed, fell to the floor and started crying as hard as one can possibly cry. I felt like I was going to explode, my mouth was open wide in a silent scream and I hated myself and him. I changed my clothes and took my (allergy) pill and brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. No one woke and heard my quiet suffering.
This morning I walked into school, put my lunch in my locker, found Will, and went into his arms and cried and cried and cried. He is wonderful, and whatever is bothering him should be taken care of right quick because he does not deserve it.

I saw him at lunch today, being normal, like nothing happened, and I wanted to cry. I sat alone (like usual) and read Lord of the Flies, although half the time I was looking over, hoping to catch his reflection in the trophy cases. This is the saddest part. I still want to be with him, give it a third go, try and believe that it'll work when I know that it will never, can never, work. The amount of effort I will have to exert into never going back if he tempts me again will be huge. I hate this.
I don't, however, hate him. I strongly believe he can fix himself and his life. He might be a screw up now, but he is intelligent and can be kind. However, after all that he told me last night, he may have lost the direct love and support of one of the few people who believed in him. There is a Velvet Underground song called "I'll Be Your Mirror." That is what I wanted to be to him.

"When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't, let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid"






Help.

I have decided on a goal: I want a musical contact in every state and Canadian province, in every major (and not so major) city (or town). That way, if we ever go on tour, we'll have someone's floor to crash on. Eventually, we'll figure out Europe (I've already got Sweden and France figured out).

We may have decided on a band name. Can't tell you yet.

Did you know that choosing album art is very difficult? The above photograph is one of the contenders, I took it in Nice when we were driving to the train station in our scary tourist bus. I didn't like the scary tourist bus at all. I feel that this photograph reflects how I was feeling at the time. I'd just met Benjamin, who I would love across the thousands of miles for months and months, and things were so surreal and crazy and joyous and yet I was melancholy as well. I remember listening to a lot of Iron and Wine. I wish I had had the song "Blue Bird" by The Rosebuds. I cried my eyes out when I left France. Here I am, almost a year later. It is strange how life works.

"You're in my dreams," he told me.
"The ones at night or your metaphoric ones?"
"Both."

(Photo by me.)

I don't want you to be afraid of me.
I don't want you to be afraid of us.
I don't want you to be afraid of this.
I don't want you to be afraid of anything.

I want you to trust me.
I want you to trust us.
I want you to trust this.
I want you to to be able to trust anyone.

I know there's nothing I can do to change you and I'm not going to force anything. But the above is what I want you to be able to do. Not just for me, but for yourself and everyone else. I wonder how much happier you would be.

This is how I feel. Like I'm running into something that I have no idea about, but I don't give a damn because it's so fucking fun. This is what it's like in almost every aspect of my life. This is what it's like with him, with my music, with my photographs, with everything I do (except maybe school). I love it.

(And yeah, I actually took this picture.)

From top to bottom:

1. Bob Goodin, the boy I liked back in September.
2. Armwrestling in math class.
3 - 5. My dog on the beach a few blocks from my house.

I feel like even more of a lovesick romantic. I know now that I'm not imagining the light, unnoticable to anyone but us touches in the halls, the quick smiles, the stupid doe-eyes. It's not helping me concentrate on anything, not helping me sleep. I spend my time with my face in my homework grinning and trying to contain all the feelings welling up inside, readying themselves to burst out in one collective squeal. And I see him, and I think of everything. I think about Friday night and I feel that oh-so-familiar tightening in my stomach, and I feel the tingles and the swells in and around me. I want him so bad. Just to touch him, just a light touch, and soft linger of my fingers on his skin.

I had band practice on Saturday. It was so fun! I went over to Max's house and then we went to the Queen Anne Easystreet Records and watched The New York Rifles play. Talked with the frontman for about an hour afterwards, and I (or should I say we?) now have a musical connection in Portland. Went back to Max's house, and we started. We've got one song mostly done, and we're kicking it's ass. God, I'm fallin' apart over this. It's my entire life. I know I don't talk about it, but I fucking live and breathe music. It's my entire life. I have a library of around forty original songs, eleven of which have been recorded and I am currently working on the liner notes (they're all being done b hand) for forty CDs that people all across the world have been asking for. That's only the first batch. I'm also working on an album about the lives of two hipsters named Mitch and Anne. The story is still unfolding, even for me, but I'm totally wrapped up in it and am constantly working on it. Anne is dark and twisted. Mitch falls in love with her and, in an attempt to make her love him, changes from a warm and inviting person to a cold, snobby hipster. Their songs make people sad, but I love playing them. They're longer and more complex than my other normal pop songs. If you want, here's the URL to my myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/sarahrog

There are three mp3's up on there that you can download, including the first Mitch and Anne song, before it unfolded into a full blown project. The project was a complete accident, but I'll save that for another day.

He asked me out yesterday. Later I went over to his house. We watched Donnie Darko (which was supremely awesome, but I need to see it again to make more connections). He held my hand the whole time (unless he sensed his parents coming around. Then we had to go to opposite ends of the bed) and I leaned against him. At some point towards the end of the movie, I moved over onto his chest, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt safe.
After the movie ended we kissed and cuddled and talked. At one point I was on my knees looking at his books, and he was lying on the bed beside me, and he snaked his arm around my thigh and touched IT. Yes, IT. Damn straight that was my first time having someone else touch IT. I liked that.
One thing I can't get over, though, is how shitty of a kisser he can be. I know that I shouldn't judge, but seriously, you are not playing tonsil hockey, and you are not playing to win. Keep it in check, and let me have more little things that I enjoy more than you sticking your tongue down my throat.
At one point his mom walked in. That made me laugh a little, but he was freaking out.

"She's going to ask so many questions! She can't know!"
"You know, she's not stupid, she would have figured it out anyway, and I think it's better she find out now instead of later."
"But THE QUESTIONS!"

When my mom came to pick me up I kissed him on the cheek and told him it'd be fine. I hope he doesn't freak out and bolt.

"Suppose I never ever met you / Suppose I never fell in love / Suppose I never loved you / Suppose I never loved you so sweet and so soft / Suppose I never ever saw you / Suppose I never ever called you / Suppose I kept on singing love songs / Just to break my own fall"

I am a human being. I am a teenage girl. Human beings make mistakes, especially teenage girls. I see the other girls my age all around me. They go to parties and get drunk and neck with boys that mean nothing to them. And once and a while I've seen them fall for someone and they don't get them. Why? They're pretty and they party and they would get it on. Maybe it's the fact that, this time, those girls have a feeling. Feelings are strange and frightening.
I have a feeling, and it's breaking me down real slow. He's dancing around me and my head is spinning in circles and he's hot and cold and it's killing me. I wish he'd stop. But if he did, what would we have? I don't want him gone, I don't want nothing. I don't want the other boys who have been making offers of a feeling stirring around in their heads. I reject them every time. It's not that they're ugly and stupid (half the time), but it's the fact that I have a love for one boy, and he is a murderer of hearts.

"I would love to be with you. I would love to love you, but I can't now. And standing right where I am right this moment, I am willing to wait three years."

See what the little fucker has to say to me the night before I go on a date?

Max is coming over in about an hour. I'm excited but...well, me and Steven talked for awhile last night. You can see what much of the conversation was like from the above statement. I shouldn't believe half of what he says. He's prepared to wait three years so that he can be with me. He's saving his fucking virginity! God. I don't know anything anymore...Max is great, Steven agrees he's great, and wants me to be with him. But the fact is, I'm really fucking unstable right now, what with Steven being around. As long as he's there, I don't know how prepared I'll be to let myself fall for someone new. You can't have a relationship work if, from the very beginning, one of the persons involved is unstable. And baby, I'm unstable.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife / Baby edgy and dull / And cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul"