We talked again last night. Here is the part that I loved and hated the most:

Steven (11:42:45 PM): OK, you want to know my deal?
Steven (11:42:52 PM): I think I've got it figured out.
Me (11:42:58 PM): Shoot.
Steven (11:44:27 PM): I know for a fact that I am incredibly, irresitably attracted to you, but just the fact that you're three years my junior is really killing me inside. I want you to be with me, but I feel like it's a sin and that I'll be banished to hell if we're ever found out.
Steven (11:44:39 PM): That's when I said, hey, no one has to know.
Steven (11:44:50 PM): Then my mom nearly walked in on us.
Steven (11:45:13 PM): And I felt like it was so dangerous... I... Do you understand?
Me (11:45:22 PM): Yes.
Steven (11:45:45 PM): That's about as good as I can explain it.
Me (11:46:02 PM): Can you explain "dangerous" a bit more?
Steven (11:46:21 PM): I turn 18 in ten months.
Steven (11:46:36 PM): When I turn 18, it's illegal for me to court a minor.
Steven (11:46:41 PM): I can be sent to jail.
Steven (11:47:14 PM): And not juvinile hall, but pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
Steven (11:47:39 PM): juvenile**
Me (11:47:45 PM): And so are you afraid that I'll still be around in ten months?
Steven (11:47:56 PM): Yes.
Steven (11:48:07 PM): But the problem is, I want you to be around in ten months.

Today I got an email from my sister, who has been around the block a couple of times with this type of guy. She pretty much said I'd be stupid to go back, that I deserved way better, and that only weak girls go back to men who disrespect them, especially for a third try. And it's because they go back that men disrespect women. And, considering my stance on women's rights (another thing I havn't talked about here, but I command you to go out and read the book Cunt RIGHT NOW), I couldn't stay. Not if it meant that men would continue to disrespect women.

And then it really clicked. I DID deserve better, I COULD GET better. Way better. Why the fuck am I waiting around for this guy to change? He won't. I feel dumb for not really realizing this before, or ignoring it when I did, but now I know what I have to do.

I have to really leave and never go back.

I have to cut off contact.

No being friends with him, because you know where that will lead? Back to where I am now.
And you know what? It's totally true. I don't need someone who makes me constantly feel like shit, who manipulates me, who is who this guy is.

There are a few things that scare me though:

- He's already fucked up about a lot of things. What will he do? He already feels like the world will end, and what will my suddenly being gone do?
- School. I cannot avoid seeing him.
- How I feel, and how much this hurts.


But I'm going to do this. I have to. I have people who won't let me not do this. I have people who will never let me fall.


This is not a choice.