He came over today. We didn't talk much, we went down to the beach for a few hours and we walked in the rain. We sat in little alcoves in the rocks and he kept on trying to get me to come closer, give his sweater to me, poking me, pushing on me a little and basicly doing all the little things you do when you flirt. Looked at me with that look.
He asked me if I'd gotten over him yet, I said no. He told me to forget about him, he wasn't worth it, he'd just fuck it up. I told him I can't just stop liking someone, it doesn't work that way with me. I told him that a million times I'd gone over all the things he does that I hate, and that it doesn't change a thing. I told him I'd forget about it one day, I always do.
"You know what this means, right?" he said, "we have to make out and fight again every single time we hang out."
I looked at him. "Maybe."
"Oh, and you know how I told you that I was pursuing another? Well, it turns out they're not interested, so now I have nothing to do."
"Okay."
We went back to my house and he fell asleep on my floor, softly snoring, looking serene and calm. It was then, while I sat watching him, knees pulled to my chest, that I realized we'd never make it, he'd never like me in the way I did him, it wasn't worth it. It's kind of depressing to realize someone will never love you. Shortly after he woke up.
"What time is it?"
"6:36"
"...I feel kind of stupid."
"It's fine."
We went out to my kitchen where my mom had cooked dinner and they talked about football and wrestling and things I didn't know about for awhile. Then he called his mom and we sat in the dark on my kitchen floor, not saying much, just looking at the other, smiling a little, boring into each others eyes. Then he was gone.
I don't really know anything. I wanted to be close to him so bad, to indulge myself, to indulge him. But I couldn't. I know for sure now that I can trust him, and that nothing will ever happen. It's refreshing and yet I still feel like I'm stuck in the sand, staring off into some far off and beautiful dream. It's going to take me awhile to get over him, but it'll happen. I'll move on, I'll find someone else like I always do. This is how things always go.
He asked me if I'd gotten over him yet, I said no. He told me to forget about him, he wasn't worth it, he'd just fuck it up. I told him I can't just stop liking someone, it doesn't work that way with me. I told him that a million times I'd gone over all the things he does that I hate, and that it doesn't change a thing. I told him I'd forget about it one day, I always do.
"You know what this means, right?" he said, "we have to make out and fight again every single time we hang out."
I looked at him. "Maybe."
"Oh, and you know how I told you that I was pursuing another? Well, it turns out they're not interested, so now I have nothing to do."
"Okay."
We went back to my house and he fell asleep on my floor, softly snoring, looking serene and calm. It was then, while I sat watching him, knees pulled to my chest, that I realized we'd never make it, he'd never like me in the way I did him, it wasn't worth it. It's kind of depressing to realize someone will never love you. Shortly after he woke up.
"What time is it?"
"6:36"
"...I feel kind of stupid."
"It's fine."
We went out to my kitchen where my mom had cooked dinner and they talked about football and wrestling and things I didn't know about for awhile. Then he called his mom and we sat in the dark on my kitchen floor, not saying much, just looking at the other, smiling a little, boring into each others eyes. Then he was gone.
I don't really know anything. I wanted to be close to him so bad, to indulge myself, to indulge him. But I couldn't. I know for sure now that I can trust him, and that nothing will ever happen. It's refreshing and yet I still feel like I'm stuck in the sand, staring off into some far off and beautiful dream. It's going to take me awhile to get over him, but it'll happen. I'll move on, I'll find someone else like I always do. This is how things always go.
posted by Sarah at 9:19 PM
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