He came over today. We didn't talk much, we went down to the beach for a few hours and we walked in the rain. We sat in little alcoves in the rocks and he kept on trying to get me to come closer, give his sweater to me, poking me, pushing on me a little and basicly doing all the little things you do when you flirt. Looked at me with that look.
He asked me if I'd gotten over him yet, I said no. He told me to forget about him, he wasn't worth it, he'd just fuck it up. I told him I can't just stop liking someone, it doesn't work that way with me. I told him that a million times I'd gone over all the things he does that I hate, and that it doesn't change a thing. I told him I'd forget about it one day, I always do.
"You know what this means, right?" he said, "we have to make out and fight again every single time we hang out."
I looked at him. "Maybe."
"Oh, and you know how I told you that I was pursuing another? Well, it turns out they're not interested, so now I have nothing to do."
"Okay."
We went back to my house and he fell asleep on my floor, softly snoring, looking serene and calm. It was then, while I sat watching him, knees pulled to my chest, that I realized we'd never make it, he'd never like me in the way I did him, it wasn't worth it. It's kind of depressing to realize someone will never love you. Shortly after he woke up.
"What time is it?"
"6:36"
"...I feel kind of stupid."
"It's fine."
We went out to my kitchen where my mom had cooked dinner and they talked about football and wrestling and things I didn't know about for awhile. Then he called his mom and we sat in the dark on my kitchen floor, not saying much, just looking at the other, smiling a little, boring into each others eyes. Then he was gone.

I don't really know anything. I wanted to be close to him so bad, to indulge myself, to indulge him. But I couldn't. I know for sure now that I can trust him, and that nothing will ever happen. It's refreshing and yet I still feel like I'm stuck in the sand, staring off into some far off and beautiful dream. It's going to take me awhile to get over him, but it'll happen. I'll move on, I'll find someone else like I always do. This is how things always go.

This is how I feel right now, just with more relief involved.

We are back to our old ways. Flirting unceasingly.

Apparently he's all heartbroken and crazy for me. And me for him.

Apparently I'm the most amazing girl he's ever met. I'm the only person he wants to have sex with (yeah...right). He's going crazy because he can't have me.

I don't know.

This sucks.

I just deleted every single email he ever sent me.

I just cleaned the whole house for therapeutic purposes.

My throat hurts.

I'm freaking out.

What's wrong with me!?!?!

Me and Steven are friends again. Apparently. That's what we decided, anyway. But it still hurts...a lot. I talked to Daniel tonight. He is a wise boy.

Me: I hate it when you know that a friendship will never work out.
Daniel: heh
Daniel: like fish and all of us
Me: Like Steven and I
Daniel: yeah...i know
Daniel: see, i was trying to get your mind off him
Me: God...I fucking hate this. I hate how I can't rip myself away. I hate how he's distant, I hate how he's in love with her, I hate that he kissed me, I hate that I let him, I hate that he's fucked up, I hate I hate I hate
Daniel: i hate everything, because it's easier
Me: I hate how everything he does makes me angry or depressed
Daniel: so let him alone and let yourself get over him
Daniel: dont try to
Daniel: just do
Me: I know...but it's hard. It's hard because we're apparently still going to try to be friends.
Me: And I know that I'm just going to keep on getting hurt
Daniel: so don't try to be friends
Me: And why am I putting myself through this? I can't think of any good reason except for him
Daniel: so maybe that's your good reason
Me: I hate my good reason.
Daniel: the way i see it, this is the problem: You want to be friends, because he does. You don't want to be friends, because he broke your heart.
Me: Yes...
Daniel: So what do you owe to him?
Me: ...Nothing.
Me: Well, I don't know. I don't know anything.
Daniel: sure you do
Daniel: you know that you owe him nothing
Daniel: and that means that you dont need to hurt yourself to help him
Me: Yeah
Me: God I hate this Daniel. It hurts too much.
Daniel: yeah yeah, I know
Daniel: but neither option will help
Daniel: so choose the lesser of two weevils
Me: I know. Which is lesser...I hate choosing between evils.
Daniel: i cant choose for you. thats what coins are for
Me: Let me get a coin. If it's heads, we're friends. If it's tails, we forget.
Daniel: flip only once
Me: I accidentally dropped it. Does that count?
Daniel: no
Me: Okay. It was heads...
Me: It's heads.
Daniel: well, are you regretful of that
fact?
Me: Regretful of what fact?
Daniel: that you flipped heads
Me: I don't know. I'd be regretful of either. I hate cutting people out of my life. There are few things that hurt more.
Me: But being friends with him means I keep getting hurt
Daniel: well
Me: Either way, it's a perpetually horrible situation
Daniel: not really
Daniel: either way you'll never see him again after 2 years, most likely
Me: I know
Me: But that's two years of shit
Daniel: if you disassociate from him, then it will be akward and bad whenever you see him in the halls. on the other foot, if you stay friends this could happen again
Daniel: maybe
Me: Yeah
Daniel: so
Daniel: you have a week to ponder [note: today's the 1st day of winter break]
Me: Yeah
Daniel: or, if you want, 8 days of actually enjoying life, and one day of emo pondering

He is a fucking asshole. I fucking hate him. He fucking pisses me off.

Sunday:
I went to his house. We stayed there for awhile, but then we went out for four or five hours. We walked to Olympic Hills Elementary, and then, because there were kids there and he hates kids, we left and went to this forest by a golf park. He was really sweet: carrying me around on his back the whole time, giving me his sweater when I got cold, and then when I got cold while we were laying in the bushes, let me lay on top of him to get warm. Four hours of this.
"I could lay here forever," he'd tell me, and I would agree.
When it really started to get dark, he was carrying me on his back, and said, "You kind of owe me something for all of this carrying around."And I told him I'd kiss him. I was then, of course, a virgin kisser; I had never kissed anyone. So we were standing there, and I was saying "What should I do? Just grab you and do it?" And after saying that for five or so minutes, he stepped over, put his hand on my waist, bent down, and kissed me.
Despite my lack of experience, I could tell he was a crappy kisser. I believe that there is probably some sort of art to kissing, and this art does not include continuously shoving your tongue into the other persons mouth. I will not detail it for you here, but after telling my friend Daniel all about this, he said:"He was playing tonsil hockey...and he was playing to win."I pulled away kind of quickly, because fuck, it was uncomfortable. he hugged me, he held me close, and told me a lot of bullshit I don't feel like thinking about, let alone typing here. Then he picked me up and kissed me AGAIN. God.We then went back to his house, and watched Robin Williams live on Broadway. The next day, I opened my myspace messages, and found this from him:

"I think I need to clarify certain things. One, I do not want a relationship. Two, I think you're a wonderful person, and three, that the fault lies with my being three years older, very cynical/negative/generally unpleasant when around others, and the fact that I am actually pursuing another.
The boy you do have a relationship with will be very lucky, I just don't think that I should be him. You have a life ahead of you, I'm glad we're friends, but I don't want it to be more than that. I've had bad experiences with women and getting too close... Shit hits the fans damned quick with me, and I don't want there to be shit in the first place.
I am grateful for your attraction, it makes me feel good to know someone still doesn't hate me, and to tell you the truth, I thought the same about you when I first made eye contact in the halls. I remember thinking, "Damn, she's cute." I also remember thinking about former fuck-ups, and a strong urge to break away from that scene altogether.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I just want to stay where we are, close friends.
You're good for a first time. "

I felt like my mind had been ripped to shreds. I went upstairs and did homework but couldn't get myself to cry. Eventually that sadness turned into anger, fiery, red-hot anger. Now it's a nice mix of those, with added loneliness and a dash of regret. I wrote this back:

"You know, you COULD have told me all this before you went and stuck your tongue in my mouth (twice!) and told me all that bullshit you proceeded to take back. I know, I know, it was my idea, but you could have said no. You could have told me you were pursuing another. You could have said back then that there was going to be no relationship, instead of waiting X amount of hours after telling me there would be and then sending me a fucking myspace message.
At the very least, I get over people fast. Most of the time. You'll probably be one of those in-betweens...I read this, I cursed a lot, I felt fucking depressed, but right now I'm just kind of pissed off. You knew all of that before anything happened, so why did you let it happen?
I'll think about the friendship thing. I'm afraid my feelings will get in the way and that seeing you will just make things even more difficult and stupid, and honestly, what you did was pretty fucked up, so do you even deserve it? We'll see. "

Today I got to school, where I really, really didn't want to go, and went to find someone I knew. I found Will, and right then burst into tears. He was surprisingly better at comforting than I though he'd be, hugging me and telling me it would be okay, and then not saying all that much more, just being there, and that was nice. Today I got home and found this from him:

"I warned you before. I told you not to get attracted to me. When I went and lost my head in the woods and after you left, I beat the shit out of myself. Do you know how stupid I feel for not saying no? I feel retarded as fuck. Like I should be the one in the wheelchair drooling, because I told damn near EVERYONE that I love someone else, and now I'm filled with a guilt that nothing but a hell of a lot of booze will remove, too bad I don't drink. I'm guilty of stealing something precious from you, and I know that.
All my reason, all my logical feeling simply left my brain, and followed the blood flow into my penis. But you know what? I'm not sorry, because you're a terrific person, and I'm a lot more glad I lost my head when you were around, rather than just some girl.
It's not all my fault... I would have taken that damned heart thing. "

And now I am faced with the duty of writing back, and probably ending it with something along the lines of "Stay out of my life." I will admit that I, too, am at fault (I did not heed his warnings) and that he did not steal my "precious" first kiss, but that I readily gave it to him.

I am now more alone than ever. This has been the pattern since the start of the school year. I let someone in, and then they're gone in a flash. I feel like shit, there is no better way to put it.

I wish I could write about him so that it doesn't sound all stupid.
After I posted the last entry, I called him and we talked for an hour and a half. Last night we IM'd for over an hour. Lots of stuff that made my stomach curl were said, but the most prominent was, I think, when I was talking about how I'd never been kissed or anything.

"It'll happen eventually, though, so long as I don't die." (me)

"I hope you don't die before Sunday."

I'm going over to his house tommorow. I think he might like me, although his signals are confusing, but he's said a lot of stuff that's cemented this. There are two factors, though, that make me wary:

1. I KNOW he's still stuck on this Kirstie girl.
2. I'm his experiment. How do I know what is the experiment and what is not?

In the end, though, I don't know if I care.

OH JESUS FUCK HE PISSES ME OFF. And this, sadly, makes me even more attracted to him. Oh, Steven Dyer/Mr. President, why must you be the way you are? Intelligent, good-looking, angry and fucked up. You can talk up a storm with me and then be distant and stupid. I can't stand you and yet I want you horribly. We defy each other, are opposites. I let people in, you don't. It's been a long time and I'm just starting to scratch the surface of you. I want to be in, I've wanted to be in for months and months.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you for being older and interesting and beautiful! Fuck you for being pissed off and fucked up! Fuck you for having three (four?) shrinks!

But you've admitted yourself that deep inside you've got a heart, you're fragile, and you're kind. I can see that, I've always seen that, but getting there is like picking through a wall with a needle.

Today was the last day of my first semester of high school.

How was the first half of my first year? To be honest, I can't decide if it sucked or if it was honestly not all that bad.
It saw the deterioration of my happiness.
It saw me lose friends as fast as I made them.
It saw me fail almost half of my classes.
It saw me become lonely and bitter.

It saw me turn into someone kind of new, whom I can't decide if I like or not.

But I also realized that I've been this way all along. I move through the day with my emotions turned all the way off and yet pushed to hyper-sensitive at the same time. I observe, but I shut it all out, and when people talk to me it disturbs me and half the time pisses me the hell off. But I've been this way forever, and I feel so strange without the loneliness and the anger prickling the back of my mind, behind some sort of fake smile and laugh and...person.

I need some therapy, but I'm afraid to talk to my parents about it and I don't know where to go. I want help, I need help, but I don't know what to do or where to go or why I need it.

How did I get like this?