today was...interesting.
on the bus ride home i didn't feel to great, just like yesterday. only this time i wanted to cry. and then the minute i get into my room, begin putting my stuff away, i just start crying and crying. so i change my clothes and crawl into bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin, shutting the shades so that it's really dark, and while my tears soak little sections of my pillow i ask myself what i did wrong, and all that stuff. then i take a three hour nap.
i wake up at around 6:30, walk to the kitchen and eat a bowl of cheerios. when my mom gets home she begins to ask me if anything's wrong. of course i insist that nothing's wrong, i'm just fine, i was just tired. but the dam has got to really break sometime. my mom goes downstairs to check up on my grades. for some reason my LA grade has plummeted from a mid A to a low B. my math grade's an N, because there's only one assignment in the book, a test which i failed, like all tests. i've got two other C's, which i've been working my fucking ass off to raise, but that's not working. so my mom starts grilling me on that.
and then i freak. i start screaming about how i don't know anything, i don't know why everything's wrong, i don't know i don't know i don't know! and then i delve into everything else that's wrong, and this crying and my parents being stupid continues for at least an hour. we talked about how my mom knew i havn't been happy since school had started, that i should've goen to ballard where they had the film program i would've loved, where there were people i knew and liked. and yes, those are good things, but she deosn't seem to understand that there are so many people there i don't like and have been trying to get rid of since elementary school. there are people who've hurt me that i never want to see again. it would not be a healthy place for me. but then, it doesn't seem that anywhere is a healthy place for me.
then me and my mom put up christmas decorations. i am seriously beginning to wonder why things are so fucked up right now.
on the bus ride home i didn't feel to great, just like yesterday. only this time i wanted to cry. and then the minute i get into my room, begin putting my stuff away, i just start crying and crying. so i change my clothes and crawl into bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin, shutting the shades so that it's really dark, and while my tears soak little sections of my pillow i ask myself what i did wrong, and all that stuff. then i take a three hour nap.
i wake up at around 6:30, walk to the kitchen and eat a bowl of cheerios. when my mom gets home she begins to ask me if anything's wrong. of course i insist that nothing's wrong, i'm just fine, i was just tired. but the dam has got to really break sometime. my mom goes downstairs to check up on my grades. for some reason my LA grade has plummeted from a mid A to a low B. my math grade's an N, because there's only one assignment in the book, a test which i failed, like all tests. i've got two other C's, which i've been working my fucking ass off to raise, but that's not working. so my mom starts grilling me on that.
and then i freak. i start screaming about how i don't know anything, i don't know why everything's wrong, i don't know i don't know i don't know! and then i delve into everything else that's wrong, and this crying and my parents being stupid continues for at least an hour. we talked about how my mom knew i havn't been happy since school had started, that i should've goen to ballard where they had the film program i would've loved, where there were people i knew and liked. and yes, those are good things, but she deosn't seem to understand that there are so many people there i don't like and have been trying to get rid of since elementary school. there are people who've hurt me that i never want to see again. it would not be a healthy place for me. but then, it doesn't seem that anywhere is a healthy place for me.
then me and my mom put up christmas decorations. i am seriously beginning to wonder why things are so fucked up right now.
posted by Sarah at 11:45 PM
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