3:00 Thursday at the swingset. I am so, so nervous.

My calf is making me want to kill myself and I feel like all my running dreams are dead. This morning my mom told me that I might not be able to do cross country this season but I WILL. AND I WILL SUCCEED LIKE MAD IN TRACK THIS SPRING. I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

But I suppose if the sports therapist says differently tomorrow morning all that could change. Cross your fucking fingers for me! I don't know if I've ever been so scared for a doctor's appointment.

I'm going to go ride a stationary bike at the gym. My headphones are broken. Why am I alive?

"I love it when the coals burn way down low
you slide up next to me, so sweet, so slow
I wonder just how far tonight we'll go..."

My dad read my tarot last night and this is the card that turned up for what is passing away. Good shit!

"They say you only stand on the shoulders of giants. But you can also LEAP."

http://bustedwonder.com

I have hung my walls with pictures promoting freedom and contentedness. When I wake up in the morning, I see a man smiling and clapping his hands. I am doing what I can to curb the feeling I get when I'm alone, the one where I want to smash things and die, but it is awfully difficult to get a handle on. I probably need some help. I wish I had Anna. I had a dream last night where we went to Ethiopian church and the only black guy passed out in the middle of the service and some white guy had to take up his chanting and for communion they gave us incredibly delicious juicy hamburgers.

"Lily I'm in love with another girl, Lily I let someone else in
And I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know
If I should apologize
Love is a beautiful thing
And I left you and you left me and we were happy apart
Lily I let someone else in."

What a good night.. capture the flag; sardines; barbecue; apples to apples; sitting on some rich person's roof in Queen Anne and watching the fireworks over Lake Union and in West Seattle and on Bainbridge; Luke and I standing on a balcony over that amazing view, pretending we were in Titanic, his arms around my waist, swaying side to side and singing "My Heart Will Go On" to me; telling me I was hot in very clumsy French. I wish I could have gone with everybody to Bitterlake to play spin the bottle and watch dumbasses get shit faced but I had to get home. Best 4th ever?