Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 56% Stability 33% Orderliness 60% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 56% Intellectual 43% Mystical 50% Artistic 90% Religious 16% Hedonism 16% Materialism 36% Narcissism 50% Adventurousness 30% Work ethic 23% Self absorbed 36% Conflict seeking 16% Need to dominate 56% Romantic 56% Avoidant 16% Anti-authority 43% Wealth 16% Dependency 36% Change averse 50% Cautiousness 43% Individuality 56% Sexuality 56% Peter pan complex 43% Physical security 63% Physical Fitness 70% Histrionic 23% Paranoia 43% Vanity 76% Hypersensitivity 83% Female cliche 23%

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I have moved on. I don't miss him, am not attracted to him, and would not take him back if he begged.

I am working on my first zine. It is themed/titled "Home ," and that is exactly what I will be writing about. It will also have photographs. I am inspired and curious and happy.

Finally.

I called him last night. We talked for awhile, although 2/3 of the conversation was silence. I pretty much spilled my guts. He told me that he didn't have enough time to give me the attention that I deserved and that, because of two recent events that have happened to him in the past week, it probably wouldn't be the best idea for us to get back together right now. He can't do anything with anyone for good long while. He has more important things to worry about than how the other person is feeling.

I cried for an hour. I fell asleep in my clothes, without brushing my teeth, listening to The Magnetic Fields "Nothing Matters When We're Dancing" on repeat. I dreamt that small children were singing me songs and giving me hugs and laid me down to rest in a bed of flowers.

I'll be okay. Someday.

I have never been to Canada.

I suck!

I miss him.

That's why I broke up with him. I know that that makes no sense, but it's true. And everything that I told myself, about it being just a physical attraction, that was just me bullshitting myself.
I told him that I loved him, awhile ago. That hasn't changed.

I need to talk to him. I need some closure. I need to know how he feels about this. I want to try this again, have a long talk about what actually happened, what actually went wrong. And if he says no, he says no, and I won't try again. And if he says yes, then I'll say yes, and we'll try. I know what we need to work on. We need to communicate, spend more time together, be more careful.

The fact is, I don't think we've seen this through to the end.

Or maybe I'm just stupid.

My mom made me go to the school's production on Little Shop of Horrors tonight. It was a great play, but I was very distracted because he was there, in the band, playing bass. When I walked in our eyes pierced each other. He looked dishevelled and sorry and hurt. The whole time I just wanted to go over and touch him and kiss him and make it better...but that's the thing. I want him, but it's my own version of him. I wanted him to come over and love me in public, get down on his knees and say he didn't care what the rest of the world thought, and why did I, and couldn't I just come back to him and things could be alright again? The only thing real that made me stay was the physical part of us. Scientificly, we were perfect. We could have sat back and laughed and passed on our DNA and made wonderfully healthy, beautiful babies. We were physically electric together. Nothing else, we discovered, as we got deeper and deeper into each other's minds. There was nothing except for a false hope that he would change and become what I needed that made me stay.

I dumped his sorry ass today

AND I FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT.

Today I was walking to my locker after my last class. I was listening to Stars "Calender Girl." I started to cry. Hard. I couldn't stop. I found one of my problems and tried to talk to him, leaning my head against the window with tears streaming down my face, yelling "FUCK!" and talking about how everything was wrong. I spoke into my folded up arms and he commented that he couldn't understand what I was saying. He read his comic book. I told him I had to catch my bus, said goodbye, and pushed him. He stumbled backwards a step or two and said "What?" And I told him he should listen to me and he argued that he didn't know what to say. Does he not understand that I don't care if he talks? I just wanted him to listen to me and hold me and not read his comic book while I am standing next to him falling to pieces. It should not be a hard idea to get your mind around. He walked me to my bus and said he'd go with me if he could. I stumbled onto my bus and collapsed sobbing into my seat. Lately I've been wondering why I'm with him. Lately I've been wondering why I'm alive.

I want to go home.
To the place I've been writing about, to Lyon, to his warm arms (someone who loves me's warm arms).
I close my eyes and I can see it. The people I'm with, the things I do, the space I live in. I can hear it, their voices, the water running out of a kitchen sink. I can feel it, the sunlight streaming in through a window onto a cushioned chair where I sit curled up reading, your arms around my waist, your hands on my face.
Help, I just want to go home.
Home.
Home.
Home.
I know it exists, but where? Oh, where...

I am going to go sleep and dream in a way that feels real.

Until I wake up.


Help, someone. Take me home...help...help...help...

(Photograph by Guost. Http://www.guost.deviantart.com/)

I suppose it's worth a mention that we hung out on Sunday. We didn't do much, but I guess it was one of those "big deal" type of days. He hadn't slept in two days and we hadn't hung out alone and in solitude in almost three weeks. Because of said lack of sleep, I just went over to his house and we"hung out." Everyone knows what that means.
We were on his bed, kissing (which, by the way, he has much improved at). He was over me, and suddenly he stopped and buried his head in my neck. Then he whispered into my ear.

"I think I love you."

He looked me in the eyes and smiled, I smiled back and we kissed some more. Then I pulled away and looked at him and,

"Me too."

Later we took a nap because he hadn't slept in two days, like I mentioned. It was nice, one of those things I've always wanted to do. His arm encircling my waist and his face on my upper back, breathing softly into my skin. Before he fell asleep he told me that if I needed anything, he would be right there.

Yes.