My parents are making me go see a movie with them but all I want to do is sit around listening to Jens Lekman, reading interviews, and rearranging the pictures on my walls while it rains outside.

The past two days I've been feeling really fucked up. The only times I've been happy have been at Team Read and when I'm playing/writing music. I have felt stupid, insecure, over-sensitive, and in need of some major TLC. Which, of course, I've not been getting. It's not helping that I pretty much feel like he's been ignoring me for the past few days (which means that I am ignoring him. God I'm fucking awful).
Feeling like this is consequently been making people much less happy to be around me. Fuck, I don't even think I'm happy around myself. I hate how my every other thought has something to do with someone getting the fuck out of my way, or to stop being so fucking annoying, etc. etc. My answers to questions are short and sharp. I get so absorbed in my thoughts that I don't realize or care that other people are around and stop being courteous and walk around with a frown and downcast eyes. That, or I'm burning holes into the backs of the heads of those who wern't all that I wanted to be and miss dearly. That's the really fucked up thing...when I miss someone, I begin to act far away, and they echo that, and so things get all stupid. That's probably why so many of my friendships have gotten all messed up this year.

I'm the problem.

I have so many dreams for a home, but no one is good enough to be that.

And that hurts way too fucking much.

(Things will be better when I'm not a teenager anymore, right? Right?)

I woke up on Saturday morning missing him to death.

The boy in the middle hadn't talked to me in three months until today. He was the boy from November until January, I wrote about him. One day I gave him a mix tape to tell him how I felt and then he said no, our band broke up, and we stopped talking at all.

It was obvious we missed each other.

Today, after I signed up for The Battle of the Bands, to play most likely by myself, he came up to me in the hallway.

"Hey! Are you doing Battle of the Bands?"

"Yeah."

"Do you need me to drum for you?"

"That'd be great!"

"Awesome! Give me a call, we'll get together and practice again. "

"Cool."

"You know my number?"

It's so nice to not have to miss him.

Today someone told me that the world was in love with me, was under my charms, and that it would be a blessing and a curse that would follow me for my entire life.

I don't want to believe them. That's the scariest thing anybody has ever told me.

All of the sudden, in the past two or three days, I'm just not feeling it for Steven. It's like I woke up one day and thought "you know, I really don't feel like doing this anymore. I don't really feel like having this massive crush, like being in this fucked up, wierd relationship." I don't know what's happened. I just know that I don't know if I want to be in this relationship anymore.

And I've been thinking that maybe I'm in this for the kicks. You know, the fact that he's really hot. I mean, what the fuck am I doing with a guy who's smart, but fails all but one of his classes? What the fuck am I doing with a guy who isn't interested in socializing or meeting any of my friends? What am I doing with a guy that all my friends hate? What am I doing with a guy that I hate kissing? What am I doing with a guy that, when we're together, I can't listen to music with because he hates it? And you know, I hate a lot of the things he does. I hate the fact that he's really, really gropey. Always. He's like "Oh em gee boobies!" and "Hey can I stick my hand between your legs?" And he's always got a boner. Do you know how obnoxious and annoying that is? I've never been with him when he hasn't had one. I know it's natural and all, and I know he can't really help it and blah blah blah, but JESUS FUCK IT GETS ANNOYING. And it's so big, too. And I hate how he's getting all clingy and wierd, now, to top it all off. I hate how he kisses. I hate how we don't really have many intelligent conversations. I feel like the only way we click is physically, and that only when we're not kissing. And all he wants to do is make out. The list goes on and on...

What the fuck happened? All the sudden he just grosses me out. All the sudden he's just really annoying. It's like anything positive I feel in this relationship at this moment is forced.
Maybe things will be different when I see him on Monday. Maybe not...

FUCK!

Last night I dreamt that I married Rosie's older brother. We had a punk-rock themed wedding and Sonic Youth played at the reception.

WIERD. (But shit if I don't think he's cute).

(Picture by Baltimore Andrew. AGAIN.)

Ugh. I just finished deleting about 2500 songs off of my computer...and I'm only halfway finished!

So I'm sitting down here, watching "More Music @ The Moore," and it's literally painful. It's not because these kids don't have talent, but it's because, with the exceptions of Daniel Romain Humeau, who isn't even a teenager (but took me to a higher place with his playing), and ConunDrum (a group of drummers who played on trash cans and were so in time it was absolutely beautiful) they're not original at all. They're trying to be Aretha Franklin, or Pearl Jam, or Norah Jones, or 50 Cent. The songs seem rather empty and soul-less, like the entire purpose of their being written was so that they could be tossed onto the radio. They're not built to last. I couldn't stomach it. It was horrible.
The sad part is these songs were written by kids around my age (although who knows how involved the "professional mentors" were). If this is the future of music, empty, soul-less, and un-stomach-able, then I might as well kill myself now. To tell you the truth, I applied for a spot at this show. And to tell you even more truth, I am now quite glad that I did not get in. If I had gotten in, my music might sound like a well-packaged bottle of bleach! I'm not saying I'm super good, or super original, but at least I'm not a rip off of someone with just a few little things changed. I hope.
I almost have a feeling that these kids wern't being themselves. Like they were creating this music for other people, not for themselves. I will stress that you cannot do that. Good art is created for yourself, to comfort or please yourself, not anyone else. At least, that is not how it is for me. If it pleases other people, go Team You! And if not, don't give up. After all, you made it for yourself. Good art comes from a heart, is inspired, and is work.
So I ask you, no matter what people say to you, please, please, PLEASE do not create art for them. The more personal an art is, the more succesful it will probably be. Do not let them boss you around. Your art is your art. Be yourself in that. And if no one will sign you to a label and release and promote your record, or no one will hang our paintings or photographs in their gallery, or no one will show your wierd-ass little films, then DIY, baby. If people find you through that (even if only a few people do!) then you'll probably get a hell of a lot more respect and it will be like a big "fuck you!" to all the people who said you couldn't do it. Don't let what everyone else is doing and saying make you think that you suck, or let that influence your art (therefore making it into art for them).

To quote the movie Empire Records: "Damn the man! Save the empire!"

We went to the beach for five hours today. The sun was out, and we lay in the sand and fell asleep, our arms all wrapped around and our fingers tangled. And leaning up against the rocks, he kissed me and said "I've missed you."

(Picture by Baltimore Andrew).

I met this boy one year ago today. He changed my life. Taught me that love really can bloom over thousands and thousands of miles. We broke up after about six months but we're still friends and we still keep in touch.

I'll love him forever, even if it's not in the same way.

Last night I dreamt that I went for Chinese food and I got a fortune that said I would change the world.

Ha ha.

What a load of bullshit.

The world has one less big secret.

It's been about a year since I took this picture. I wonder what has happened in these people's lives. Or if they even poses lives anymore.

One year ago yesterday, I was on a plane to France. It's amazing how time flys, and how Lyon, France still seems more like home than any place I've ever been.