and for those of you who miss the folklife festival. 

 

 

i could've sworn you might've liked me, Mr. President, but then i realized you were only looking at my boobs.

ever since i've gone to scool, i've been the one that they called crazy. i don't know why. maybe i am a little bit out of my mind, what with my big dreams, and my words, and my actions. but i don't think i'm crazy, i just think i'm in love. i don't know what with. for awhile there was a boy, but i think i've maybe moved on from that. but i've always been in love.
and ever since they've called me crazy, i've wanted to prove to them that i am a capable, smart, thinking person. even if i am crazy! most people are anyway. it's not that abnormal.
i wanted to write a song, a beautiful song, one that would get me on the big stages, the big money, and they would hear it on their top 40 radio, and say "i knew her. she was fucking crazy. look at her now! i never knew she had it in her."
i wanted to be an actress. i wanted to win an oscar, and wear a cheap, beautiful vintage dress to the ceremony. the movie would be incredible, and i would be perfect at the role. and they would see me on their TV screens, and in their tabloid magazines, and say "i knew her. she was fucking crazy. but look at her now! i never knew she had it in her."
i wanted to write an incredible novel. it would be deep and true and all the language arts teachers in high school and college would require their students to read and analyze it for deeper meaning. but i would laugh at them, because everything there was to say was on the surface already. and they would see my book on the feature stands at barnes and noble, and say "i knew her. she was fucking crazy. but look at her now! i never knew she had it in her."

i still want to do all those things, but on a much smaller 'material benefit' scale. i want to make music and write books and screenplays and direct, i want to act (but not in my own movies)...but i don't want money or fame or any of that. i don't care about what all those kids in their big group of friends think.

i just want to change someone's life.

and i wouldn't call that crazy.

he once met mother theresa. and the part that i always think about, whenever i feel lonely or sad or unloved or like i need something, i always think about how she took his face in her hands and asked him:

what do you need?

and then i think "well, i need love," but then i realize i have that. "well then..."

this is the 'pictures of love that i didn't take' entry. the comics are from asofterworld.com, which is wonderful. you should go to it and look through all the archives and let it touch your heart. 

 

this is a picture of a couple of members from the band broken social scene. i love it because it reeks of love. 

 

 

this is what my kids are going to be like. 

this is a picture of one of my favorite swedish bands, my darling YOU! the one on the right is also giving the sexiest swedish man alive, gutav ejstes, from the band dungen, a run for his money in the hotness department. 

i came up with three reasons i really, really need to get the fuck over it:

i have a friendship with him to maintain
i have a band with him to maintain
he's two years older than me.

shit, man. a booking agency just offered me some of their sweet time!

damn it. damn it! so, i recorded an EP yesterday, with james and ethan (from the math and physics club) in jams' basement. i bussed down to ballard with vedo to give the owner of bop street records a copy today, because he's wanted some of my stuff for a long time. and who's there? instead of the owner it's fucking BEN GIBBARD. so after kinda looking at him for a second, it goes like this:
"hey, are you ben gibbard?"
"yeah"
"um...do you want a copy of my cd?"
"sure"(i give him the cd, he looks at it)
"thanks" (that's ben talkin')
and then me and vedo go downstairs to look at records. and then it hits me. i didn't give him ANY way to contact me if he liked it! shit!

it's going to take me for ever to get over this, man. maybe fate will bring ben gibbards opinion to me.

fuck.

i think it is in my best interest to get over it.

him.

he doesn't want me, of this i am sure.

but sometimes i think that he might be like me, and he's just good at hiding.

i'm fairly sure that he has no idea.








but how can he deny the stars in my eyes?

i wonder if he likes me. kris found out about him, and he told me i needed to do something drastic.
in the immortal words of the doors: the time to hesitate is through.

true or false?

"how much you wanna bet that that's not my bus?" i said.
"i'll bet my signature!" he replied.
"i'll bet..." my voice dropped off as the first thing that popped into my mind was to bet my kissing virginity. but no! i could not bet that!we stood talking for awhile, and then we wandered over to the bus, which sure enough was mine, and i had lost. we decided that since i had lost i would stand on the small mound of dirt that made me almost as tall as him.

i should've bet my kissing virginity.

we stood in the hallway again, high fiving over and over, the way we do every time, but then i would take his hand in mine for a moment, and he wouldn't pull away. and we would talk.
"i'll see you in five days," i said.
"five days!? oh yeah, you're going to see your sister."
"yeah."
"i'll miss you." and then he pulled me into a hug and i didn't want him to let go. we stood like that for a minute, and then we were pulling away. his friend bounded up, yelled "group hug!" and all three of us smooshed together for a few seconds. later i watched him from my bus window far away, marvelling at his beauty.

the following is love. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he smells like home. not the place where i live right now, no, that's just a place where i dump my shit. but he smells like how i've always imagined home to smell like. and that smell is in my mind. it seems so real, like i could reach out and touch it. i wish that he would stop just looking at me, and come over and kiss me.

thursday morning i'm getting on a plane to my sister. i'm so excited to see her. it's funny how, once she moved out,we became so much closer. it's kind of how people talk nostalgicly about what having a sister is like. we talk on the phone for long amounts of time and we tell each other things; we never used to really talk.

sometimes when i think of life i see grainy black and white pictures of smiles and tears and eyes and love and you.

he stopped himself in front of me in the crowded hallway and we let our hands press together for a few seconds before i pulled him into a quick hug. his sweater was still wet from our walk in the rain with sergio and clare, and our later dance to "lady t" by crazy penis on the front walk of the school. and then we slipped away, our hands sliding down, down, down, the others arm, until our hands fit together like puzzle pieces for a moment, and we both walked away.

we stood out in the rain, playing in the puddles and getting soaked while the rain pounded down on us. and then i said "i'm cold," and he tossed me his sweatshirt and said "take it, it's warm." and he held my stuff while i put on his jones soda sweater. and all during 3rd and 4th and lunch, i smelled it and he felt near and it was warm and i imagined that this was what it was like all wrapped up inside of him.

when i got home i ran to my sister's room and took out the magic 8 ball, and asked "does he have a crush on me?" and without hesitation it turned up "it is certain."

to bad the magic 8 ball has a tendency to fuck up sometimes.

halloween this year kind of sucked. i couldn't find anyone to hang out with, and i felt lonely and neglected and sad, even when i gave candy to the two trick or treaters we got. i sat in my room feeling like i wanted to cry, thinking about him and listening to "the look of love" by isaac hayes over and over. i liked hearing him say "you can tell from the vibrations. from that...look. you're so warm, you're so mellow, you're so sweet..." in that thick croony voice of his. i wrote in my diary and did my homework and then i went to my church and watched batman begins and ate popcorn and candy and i felt kind of fat and i wanted to cry. and then i went to school today and he was there and he was sweet like usual and when i walked by without saying hi to him because he was with his other friends he looked me right in the eye and later that day we became each others bitches and i didn't see him after school because he was at marching band practice and the magic-8-ball said he wanted to be more than friends and that he most certainly thought about me but wouldn't answer if it was in a romantic way and said that he didn't want to make with me and i am a loser.