my halloween costume kicks so much ass! i am "madamoiselle sinistre" (madam creepy)! and i'm going to hit on EVERYONE!!!! 

sometimes i think that maybe he might like me and i find myself, when i'm with him, hoping that he'll lean over and make me lose my kissing viginity.

a kid named julian mande this for me... 

i can't wait until i get my own place and all the phone calls are for me. and all the mail. even the junk mail.

my dad backed out of the taking me to the concert i've been waiting to go to for weeks tonight. even though he'd promised me. and then to make it up he said he'd take me to Graham Travis tommorow night, but then he's not willing to stay for the whole thing. i want to stay for the whole thing and get my eight (or five, depending on the show) dollars worth, considering my lack of money lately.
today the bus driver was twenty minutes late in the morning, and half an hour late in the afternoon. pisses me off. pisses. me. off.
i went to Harry's house last night. my first outside of school friend from high school. it was a pumpkin carving party. i liked his house. it seemed warm and nice, and his family was nice and so were their friends that were invited. we went into his room and he DJed for me while i layed on his bed and let the dance music wash over me. they have a bathtub on their back porch that they use, and i want to go over and lay in their bathtub someday. that would be nice.

yes. a big weakness. 

i have a weakness against you. 

tongues and teeth and WIERD 

ah...nothing like drinking a Jones Soda... 

a fond memory of france

i remember listening to this song on the plane back in april. it was nighttime and dark and i had two plane seats to myself. i looked out the window at the stars, and down at the ground, and i tried to decipher the clouds from icy greenland. or was it the ocean? and greg dulli told me it would all be alright, and it was.
when i woke up hours later, it was early morning. we were still over the ocean, but were approaching land quickly. the colors were beautiful and the clouds were a thin blanket below us. a little while later when i looked down, it was france! there was green, and clouds, and hills. we began our descent after a frugal breakfast, and the descent was such a beautiful picture it brought tears to my eyes. the clouds were huge and magnificent; they took the shapes of ice cream cones and gods and goddesses. there they were having their rich, textured time inbetween green hills and patchwork fields. and then i saw the first town. oh, those red rooves! i had seen them in movies and pictures and heard of them from my mothers mouth, but here they were, spread out below me, and once again happiness and wonder overtook my heart and i began to cry. we landed on the outskirts of paris, and unlike the rest of my classmates, i was a huge vacuum cleaner sucking up everything around me.
"oh, my! these moving sidewalks that go up and down hills and through tubes are such fun!"
"do you think M83 is standing in the customs line? joel! listen!"
"look at the monks, all in their orange!"
"ha! my first naked lady poster!"
"it's the seine!"
"look at those stone buildings!"
"it's beautiful!"
"these freeways are much better than the ones at home!"
and on and on. when we got into the city i didn't use up a roll of film on the eiffel tower that you could see a little bit from our hotel room. i was looking at the people. i used to hate it when they called paris the city of love, but now i don't because i've seen that it is. the couples are everywhere. they're always on benches or the subway or the bus or walking down the street, kissing, embracing. it was wonderful. i liked the kids on the carousels, i liked the people working to prevent AIDS, i liked it all. i even liked the couple who were having sex under the bridge. they were awesome.
after a few days in paris we took the TGV to lyon, where we would live with a french family for five days, and go to school there for two. my time in lyon is probably where i look back on my trip most fondly. although when i was in lyon it was a little bit rainy and cold, it was gorgeous. school was interesting, because the boys were overwhelming (the students in general...all those questions!), and i had no idea what anyone was saying. i was completely lost. i met the first boy i ever loved there (benjamin. we were together for about six months, but i broke it off quite recently. i miss him). he spoke really good english, and was sweet and charming, but i must admit that i wasn't attracted to him at first (there was richard to feast my eyes upon). in fact, it wasn't until that night when i realized i needed him. saturday was spent at home and at the museums, and sunday was spent at home and on a walk for an hour or so. oh, that walk. through the streets of lyon, across bridges and through the market. the sun shone and it was perfect. a golden light over a golden city. i knew after that that lyon was where i belonged.
after lyon was the south of france. we stayed in nice, which is also a magnificent city. i went swimming the first night, and the next day. we did a lot of shopping (although i didn't buy much) and sightseeing, but my favorite parts were during the drives through the south of france. it was warm and sunny and the sun would set over the mediterranean sea at night, and the mountains were at a distance. during those drives i would listen to iron and wine and mike doughty and think about benjamin.
after that we went back to paris for our last few days. i recall one of my favorite memorys of two subways, one of which i was on, stopping next to each other. in the window of the other subway that was next to mine, a little girl waved and showed me her lollipop, and i smiled at her. i was perfectly content when the subways pulled away, and i still miss her. she was a beautiful child.

on the drive to the airport to leave, i cried my eyes out. i could not believe that my man, and my home, would be halfway across the world from me. but one day i will be back for good. i left myself there in the process of leaving.

gah. i cannot wait for this project to be over! we've been working on it for about three weeks, and it's due on tuesday. it's going to be kinda nice to be able to just do normal homework. well, not nice, just a little easier. at least the next project is going to be a bit easier, because it's not a research project, it's on a book. i'm reading "alices adventures in wonderland" and it's really wierd...but i like it. except i'm getting kind of annoyed with alice, because she can't decide what size she wants to be, or at least can't stay the same size!
*sigh* i have to get back to typing up my paper...

a serious "what the fuck?" moment

so it's 5th period, my back hurts, i'm pissy 'cause i'd gotten my period that morning, and i'm all crampy. so i ask permission to go to the bathroom, which i get. outside the bathroom there is a woman and when i go in she's all "woops, i guess _______ went into the girls bathroom!" and then i get a little bit wierded out, what with this boy having to hear me pee and maybe even make those scary noises that can happen when you poop. but i soon come to realize that he really, really, won't care (although i'm a little pissed at him for stealing the only slightly sanitary stall). i can see his feet underneath the stall, and he's making noises a stressed animal would make. i assume he was constipated. by this time i am slightly entertained withthe fact that there is a boy in here making stressed animal noises whilst i pee, but then HE STARTS TO SING. and he gets really into it to. lots of passionate "ooohs" and "aaaahs" all of which are also very high pitched. by this time i am laughing out loud. finally i hike up my pants, open the door, inform a small asian girl of the situation in which she replies "are you serious?" wash my hands, and fall out of the bathroom, stumble down the hallm outside across the cement slab that leads to my classroom, laughing my ass off.

totally topped my list of fucked up bathrom experiences.

you should've been there.

i hate it when a story ends like that.

i like it when i turn around to catch a glimpse of you and i catch your eyes which are chocolate looking right back, and i like it when you get off the bus and you tap my seat two times with your hand, and i like it when i see you coming from behind the building far away, and i like you.

i've always had a weakness for snapshots into people's lives. i pluck notes and photographs from dumpsters and the streets and the hallways at school. i look into people's apartments or houses when i drive by or walk by or am sitting in a restaurant. it's the most interesting thing, and can drastically change my mood in an instant. once i was on a walk with my sister and we walked by a house, and i heard a woman screaming through her tears and agony "you used to love me! you used to love me!" and a man trying to comfort her saying in a soft voice that he still did love her. and yet today, after going out to dinner with my parents, we were driving down the street, and i was peaking into the windows for the split second i was allowed, and i saw a woman sitting in a chair, she was quite beautiful, and she was holding onto the arms of a man who was holding her and kissing her neck.

it made me happy to know that it existed.

today i went to the Dungen instore at Easystreet Records. i was really excited to see them in concert, but the other half to my reason for going was to get my tape to them. last night and today after school i recorded myself, 10 songs of me and my acoustic and electric guitars. i hope that they like it, and i hope they get in touch with me. you know what the sad loser teenage girl reason i ever checked them out was? i saw a picture of Gustav Ejstes, who is their lead singer and absolute creator, and man oh man did i think he was pretty! which he is. especially three inches away from your face, smiling at you, with his blonde hair all about his head, and his one crooked tooth sticking out slightly, and he's talking to you in his melodic swedish accent. if he wasn't 24 (more like if he was my age) and living in Sweden, i'd so be all over him. but i really really hope that he likes my music. i have a silly fantasy that he likes my music so much that i go live in sweden for 2 months and we collaborate and make an EP and an album. but it's silly and will never happen. but oh, well! the only way to succeed in anything is to put yourself out there, and that is what i will do! i have nothing to lose except cassette tapes!