concerts and LP's

DEVENDRA BANHART is coming!!! with Cocorosie!!! and a couple other folk artists who are supposed to be excellent. april 22-23. $25 in advance, $27 at the door. who needs to fucking go and see and attempt to meet devendra banhart? i do. and its on a friday and a saturday, further cementing my chances of going. if i cant go to the sasquatch music festival, i should at least be able to go see other artists who are performing in the city, not hours away. it's $30 cheaper. and its not even on capitol hill. which my mum will like. i mean, its on queen anne. how tame is that? and its after my trip to france, meaning i can loosen up on money saving. god. i need to go. i also need to go see the math and physics club at their all ages EP release for 7 dollars at the chop suey. they told me that if i went, i needed to come and say hi to them. its 7 dollars and on a saturday. a show i need to go to.today i got DONOVAN ON VINYL. do you know how hard that is to come by?? and it was 13 fucking dollars. for 2 LP's. it is excellent.

you want to live here 

i can see why 

nostalgia

lately, i've really been wishing it was the middle of winter again. i don't know why. i don't exactly enjoy being cold, and it rains almost everyday. sometimes it'll sleet, or hail, or snow/rain, and occasionaly we get a half inch of snow. maybe it's because with winter comes a sense of melancholy and loneliness, which i can sit back, with a pile of books and a cup of tea, and enjoy. maybe it's because i have more of an excuse to put my feet on top of the heater, and look out the window and sigh. maybe it's because i get a bit more inspired to write songs in the winter. i would blossom in a cabin in the middle of a winter nowhere. but summer is also nice. warm and you don't have to wear so many clothes. you can sit around on the beach, or go to discovery park and you wouldn't have to bring your coat everywhere.
i want it to be winter.
i want it to be summer.

weird ass band dream

ok. so i was walking to second period, and suddenly Mr. Baldwin coems out of nowhere and starts telling me and a bunch of other people who once played instruments to come to the band room. so i go there, and all the band people are there. and me, you, blaise, and emmett are there. and then i realize i don't have my flute. so i go to the french room and grab a flute out of this big pile of flutes. i go back to the room, and i start to play the bass. and mr. baldwin says i'm really good. and then i realize bastard's there, and his hair is bigger and really blonde, and when he raises his eyebrows, the top portion of his hair goes up to. but he's wasn't the main focus of the dream (he's in band, thats why he was there). anyway, so then blaise is like "i can play guitar realy good!" and he starts to play a song that i fucking wrote, which pisses me off. then my bass turns into a guitar, and i try to play my peice, but i'm not balanced well on this very very very high bleacher, and when i play the song, i fall off because i was playing to hard. but i land on my feet. and it wasn't very far down. then i get back up.

clinton devass needs to burn in hell

clinton IMed me tonight. i told him to leave me the fuck alone. and then i blocked him. i went upstairs and threw on my modey lemon cd and turned the volume up loud. and then i proceeded to walk around my room in tight circles, occasionally screaming and beating the crap out of something. i IMed anna, and she sent me links to anger management sights. i didn't do any of the excercises. they looked confusing and the directions wern't very clear. and so i made myself a 'calm down' playlist. which i'm listening to. and i'll let you in on a secret...it worked. i am calm. and kind of depressed. god. clinton is taking over my mind. whenever he contacts me i am sent into spits of insanity, which turns into depression. i hate him. why can't he just leave me alone? when this all ends i'll probably need some serious therapy. a few friends have already suggested i get in there. i mean, therapy is good, and everyone could use it, even if they don't have 'problems'. but i'll admit that i think i do have some problems. i am often sad, angry, and/or lonely. and i know this sounds stupid and whiney, but my mum...she just doesn'y seem to care about me the way she cares about my older sister. she never fusses over how my hair looks or what t-shirt i'm wearing. she doesn't make me breakfast in the morning (so what if i told her i didn't want her to scramble me eggs. she can get out the granola in the morning). she never asks me what's wrong. she doesn't see. neither does my dad. but he gives me and my sister equal treatment. i mean, when i see my mum do something as simple as tell my sister she should wear her hair down, i get jealous, and i get hurt. i guess in part it could be that whenever she tries to pay attention to me like that, i push her away. maybe it's because i'm not used to it. when she hugs me, it feels almost like a distant relative is hugging me. i don't know all that much about my mother. and she doesn't know to much about me. but on the other hand, my sister should be getting a lot of attention. i mean, she's going to college. (but then again i'm going to high school next year). she's under stress. (but hey, i am to).
the other thing is, though, even when rachels not around, we're always talking about her. shes always the conversation topic. she's the one my mother talks to family friends and to family about. god. she even talks to me about her. to my dad. i am almost nonexistent in the conversations. they'll toss in a bit about me, "oh yeah, sarah's applying for the International Bachalauriette Program." and then it's done.
that is most likely the reason i bask in other peoples attention. that is probably why, at school, i try to make myself heard. my sister is not there. the spotlight should therefore be on me.
i do not mean to pass off my sister as Miss Perfect. her grades are good, but not all A's. she is unconfident and crys a lot. she is the child that gets babied. she is dependant. she is a drama queen. she yells a lot. she is good at nabbing my mothers attention. as a result, i have a grown a bit of an emotional shell, and i hold things back and tend not to tell people when something is wrong. sometimes there is an explosion and then you need to watch out. i cry and cry and cry and cry some more. i am also the more independant child. at home i usualy mope about and don't talk much. most of my time is spent in my room.
i would talk to my friends about this, but they either turn the conversation to them or else they're crappy at talking about these issues and are crappy at comforting people.

i need some goddamned therapy.

walked into my room and found this lying on my bed. 

this 

this 

the same little pyro again again again again 

the same little pyro again again again 

the same little pyro again again 

the same little pyro 

a little pyro 

luna and emily reading the stranger in november after the election 

a mother and daughter at the beach 

kayaker at the locks 

a pretty boy who was taking pictures 

the same kid at the beach 

a kid at the beach 

sleepovers suck

spent the night at Emily's last night. Anna came to. we watched garden state, which i loved, and which made me cry more than i ever have during a movie in my life. and then we watched ghost world, which was ok, but Seymour reminded me of me, what with the records and old man clothes. i sat on top of Emily's sister's punching bag, and marveled at the fact that some people could be as tall as how tall i was whilst sitting on top of the punching bag. earlier that day we had gone to carkeek park and i took a ton of pictures, some of which i will post.

Anna and Emily have really been getting on my nerves lately. i mean, i know i'm angered easily and all, but still. every time i say something, the two of them together contradict me.
"joel doesn't have a porno stash."
"oh my god, yes he does!!!! every 13 year old boy has one!!!"
"look, i know joel a HELL of a lot better than the two of you."
"so?"
"have you ever been over to his house? have you ever been into his room?"
"no."
"well then, how would you know?"
"because every 13 year old boy has one,"
and it just kind of continued on like that for about 15 MINUTES. they do shit like that ALL THE FUCKING TIME. shit like that together, at the exact same time. it's as if the world will end if they agree with me. and they can't make a decent point. i'll say something, they'll argue, i'll argue back, and they'll look at each other and sigh. whenever i'm with the two of them, i feel like the 5th wheel. they'll walk down the street fucking holding hands, and i'll just kind of hang back. and then later on they talk about how much they fucking miss me, and wonder why they never see me anymore?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK??? and then, whenever they sit down and have a conversation, such as they did at two in the morning last night, they'll do all the talking, and i'll just kind of sit and stare and get lost in my own world. they don't even talk about interesting things. 2/3 of the time, they're complaining and sympathizing to each others situations. like, oh no, emilys mom is curious aobut where she goes!!! OH NO!!! WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!!! NOT WHEN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GO WHERE EVER YOU WANT!!!! and hwo its so unfair that her 16 year old sister doesn't get all the horrible stuff like Princess Emily does. or anna decides to complain for the hundreth time about how hard it is to be a lesbian. and then emily will complain about not having a boy. i mean, sure i complain sometimes to, but i'll just say something like "i'm going to meet a pretty mod boy record collector at the zine library, and we'll sit on their couch and talk about the thurston moore interview we read from 1995." yeah sometimes i'll go "i want a boy!" but i don't go around being all stupid about it. i mean, emily deserves to not have a boy for being so god damn picky. so after awhile, they ask me why i'm not talking. i say i dunno, and join in, but then immediately i say something wrong they both kind of do their little "oh my god you're wrong" thing where they raise their voices and take on the tone that says "sarah, you're a crazy crack-whore." and so, out of nowhere, i just scream about how they need to shut the fuck up because it gets really annoying to be contradicted all the time. and then, they just say sorry, are silent for a couple of seconds, and then start fucking complaining again.

i am seriously thinking about how i need to expand my horizons and meet more different people who arn't anna, emily, and joel. the three people i hang out with outside of school. i hang out a bit with miranda and kelly, whom i enjoy the company of, so they can stay. i mean, i love joel to death, but he gets soooooooooooooooo boring. when we hang out, we don't talk. we put on a record and read, or watch a movie. and he usualy ends up sleeping. he never fucking talks. i'm sitting there and i'm thinking "jesus fucking christ. say something! do you think i dig being the only one talking here???" sky i like, but we never hang out outside of school and whenever we do hang out he always asks why i hate nirvana, green day, new modest mouse, etc. its the same with reed. riley makes fun of me to much, even if it is just in a friendly way. it's annoying to not be able to anything without being told that you're stupid.

maybe i should pursue a friendship with Sam. he likes good music and he's kind of nerdy. he's quiet but he talks. i bet he could be interesting.

my friends annoy the fucking hell out of me.

see that referree? thats what i'm like when i see him walking down the hall thats what i'm trying to do. stop time. so that i could lok at him forever. 

valentines day

nothing happened. had a chance to tell boy i was crazy about him but i didn't.

nothing really happened

i want to go to the math and physics club concert on the 5th of march and swing dance with a pretty boy...

wierd pubes

last night i dreamt that i was talking to kelly, and then we were walking somewhere. brian joined us, and we were talking about how irish we were. then we were standing up by the portables, and saw a trampoline. we got on it. brian turned into this old fat man, and then a boy named devon appeared. then they were both naked and having this crazy wild sex. me and kelly were just kind of standing on the side of the trampoline, watching. and then, devon kind of rolled over. and i didnt see a penis. i kind of knelt beside him and asked if he was a girl. he put his head in my lap and started crying and telling me all this stuff.

it was strange...

but i don't want to become this 

that's kinda what i'm looking for right now 

that's kinda how i feel right now 

name

...i'm just trying to get a hold of myself.

a sea of shrimp 

blob of paint 

3 

2 

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