clinton devass needs to burn in hell

clinton IMed me tonight. i told him to leave me the fuck alone. and then i blocked him. i went upstairs and threw on my modey lemon cd and turned the volume up loud. and then i proceeded to walk around my room in tight circles, occasionally screaming and beating the crap out of something. i IMed anna, and she sent me links to anger management sights. i didn't do any of the excercises. they looked confusing and the directions wern't very clear. and so i made myself a 'calm down' playlist. which i'm listening to. and i'll let you in on a secret...it worked. i am calm. and kind of depressed. god. clinton is taking over my mind. whenever he contacts me i am sent into spits of insanity, which turns into depression. i hate him. why can't he just leave me alone? when this all ends i'll probably need some serious therapy. a few friends have already suggested i get in there. i mean, therapy is good, and everyone could use it, even if they don't have 'problems'. but i'll admit that i think i do have some problems. i am often sad, angry, and/or lonely. and i know this sounds stupid and whiney, but my mum...she just doesn'y seem to care about me the way she cares about my older sister. she never fusses over how my hair looks or what t-shirt i'm wearing. she doesn't make me breakfast in the morning (so what if i told her i didn't want her to scramble me eggs. she can get out the granola in the morning). she never asks me what's wrong. she doesn't see. neither does my dad. but he gives me and my sister equal treatment. i mean, when i see my mum do something as simple as tell my sister she should wear her hair down, i get jealous, and i get hurt. i guess in part it could be that whenever she tries to pay attention to me like that, i push her away. maybe it's because i'm not used to it. when she hugs me, it feels almost like a distant relative is hugging me. i don't know all that much about my mother. and she doesn't know to much about me. but on the other hand, my sister should be getting a lot of attention. i mean, she's going to college. (but then again i'm going to high school next year). she's under stress. (but hey, i am to).
the other thing is, though, even when rachels not around, we're always talking about her. shes always the conversation topic. she's the one my mother talks to family friends and to family about. god. she even talks to me about her. to my dad. i am almost nonexistent in the conversations. they'll toss in a bit about me, "oh yeah, sarah's applying for the International Bachalauriette Program." and then it's done.
that is most likely the reason i bask in other peoples attention. that is probably why, at school, i try to make myself heard. my sister is not there. the spotlight should therefore be on me.
i do not mean to pass off my sister as Miss Perfect. her grades are good, but not all A's. she is unconfident and crys a lot. she is the child that gets babied. she is dependant. she is a drama queen. she yells a lot. she is good at nabbing my mothers attention. as a result, i have a grown a bit of an emotional shell, and i hold things back and tend not to tell people when something is wrong. sometimes there is an explosion and then you need to watch out. i cry and cry and cry and cry some more. i am also the more independant child. at home i usualy mope about and don't talk much. most of my time is spent in my room.
i would talk to my friends about this, but they either turn the conversation to them or else they're crappy at talking about these issues and are crappy at comforting people.

i need some goddamned therapy.