I really hate how the way my molars are positioned makes me, no matter how much I brush or floss, have to have a cavity. One a year.

It's not even the cavity so much as the fact that I can't stomach having someone stick a needle into my fucking mouth.

Headed to the dentist in about a minute...I am scared as shit.

I guess I should've told you that I broke up with Kris a couple of weeks ago, but there's also a new boy. His name is Greyson and I know I say this all the time but seriously, he is The Best Boy Ever. So far. We've hung out a lot for the past couple of weeks, I really like him, I think he likes me, but I'm just not ready to do anything yet. Although I havn't been able to think about anyone else...two weeks is a pretty good length of time for me. Here is something I wrote about him earlier:

"I have a hard time describing what it is about him...he just feels so good to me. It's like we just fit. I can remember few things with a person where it's just felt this natural, and fallen into place this quickly.
I talk about small things I like about boys, people. He's like that. He's got skinny, furry arms and imperfect teeth. He appreciates language and likes to travel and has open/good music taste. HE CAN GROWL (that awesome purr/growl thing that you do when something is sexy...we walked by a magazine that had Karen O on the cover when we were in PCC, and while I cooed, he GROWLED. He says he'll do it again, but as a surprise). Our silences arn't awkward. My mom really likes him. He lets me take his picture. He's curious about things, and so am I, and so we can talk about things like jellyfish forever and teach each other about unimportant but wonderful things. Sometimes I'm scared that he's too good to be true."

The above picture is a vey bad Polaroid I took of him a couple of weeks ago at The Locks. It makes him look like he has too many fingers.

Tonight my longing to go back to Lyon is fiercer than usual. I am writing French poetry and googling pictures of Lyon and looking for the most efficient flight plan that will get me to Paris ASAP. Then a two hour TGV ride to Lyon, to home. I'd call Helene, stay with them for a day until I can get to Benjamin. They would be proud at how much better I am at French. Maybe I would even be able to follow their lively dinner conversations. I could go to the school the next day, and maybe the kids would remember me and when they said dirty things to me in French I could insult them in Swedish (I need to learn some Swedish insults) and they would know not to mess with me.
Maybe next summer I could go to Lyon. My sister my be an exchange student in France, and then we would go and visit her but all my thoughts would be with Lyon. We would get on the train...and Benjamin would be waiting for me at the station...

And then, for just a little bit, I would be home.

(Photo by Etheremental on Lomography.com)

You can hardly look me in the face, and we won't ever talk again.
Someone else is chasing you.
I'm pursuing another boy.
I know you're still in love with me, I can feel it, I know it, because sometimes you work up your courage and look me straight in the eye. And it burrows down deep into me, and I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate you. I can never, will never go back to you, we don't work and we are stupid and foolish.

But then I'll be sitting in math class, and I'll realize how much I still think about you. And I come to the conclusion that even though I can't and I won't, there's no one else I want to be with at this point in time.

I've been going with Kris the last few days. At first it was nice, but already he's too clingy and needy. I just want to shake him off. I'm not even signing onto MSN right now because he's going to be on and he's going to IM me. We have a much better dynamic as friends. Maybe it's just that we've been friends for too long to convert it into a different kind of relationship.

But part of it is also that I just really, really don't want to be in a relationship right now. I want to be able to look at guys and flirt and be able to really act and feel sexy for more than one person. Feel like anyone who wants me can have me. I don't want to be reserved right now.

 

 

Lauren took this one of Anna (in black) and I. We were singing Strip Squad's Unreliable Narrator and doing the dance. 

Lauren took this one of Anna (in black) and I. We were singing Strip Squad's Unreliable Narrator and doing the dance I'd made up for it.